Undoubtedly Debra

There are those in life, with every breath of their being, add value and joy to the world and make us all aspire to love better, give more and strive to have a bigger impact. My friend Chris, did just that. His impact will continue to impact lives for decades to come. A week ago, I learned via a phone call that he had died during a hunting accident and I remember crying, that's not true, that didn't happen. I repeated myself multiple times until it sunk in where then I said it is true because you wouldn't joke about it, as I cried out in anguish, pain and despair. You see, he was only 36 years old. 36, unmarried, no kids... his entire life before him. I'm saddened by the loss of him and the loss of dreams that are left unfinished for him. Ironically the night before he died, I sent him a long text thanking him for all he had done in my life. He inspired me, he reminded me of my purpose and why all these years my mission has been to impact lives. It's always been abo...

Slowly, silently, you creep to the existence of my soul with subtle clues of direction, pointing the way. A word, a phrase, a comment.. all have meaning. Were the clues already present in my existence or suddenly did they appear as though a mist floating on the sea. You see, I like to ignore things. I like to paint pretty pictures of reality that assure me that life is safe, I am safe and all in my world is good, pure and right. The illusion of perfection is a fast running banshee that hides for awhile only to present herself with a fury of reality. There is light and there is dark. I prefer to live in the light but sometimes in doing so, ignore the darkness of her incessant influence on my life. There can be no light without dark. Dark sheds her skin like overwhelming sorrow, the loss of a loved one, the pain of a failed marriage, the sadness of watching someone you love in pain or a story of dire and strife in another's life. That darkness is taken within like the food that nouri...

Recently a friend posted that losing a marriage is as though you lost a family member. It truly feels that way... its as though a limb or part of your being has been cut off. Something that you yearned for your entire life, to be a wife, to love someone unconditionally and be forever there for them is no longer a dream but rather a distant memory. It feels as though your soul is dying, the very part of you that was filled with joy and love for this person hurts as though it will never cease. It's like a bleeding wound that will never heal, a feeling so strong that you are certain it will swallow you whole. That was me. That is me. That will always be me. The friend said grieving is a process where we go through the loss of not only our spouse but the loss of our dreams and what we envisioned our life would be. I've been there. For the past nearly 9 years, I have hurt, cried inside and out, felt like I let down my faith, my family and all that I value. I've felt lost at ...

The sounds of country music and Alabama drifts into my subconscious delivering nostalgia that only some " Mountain Music" can. The words drift across the tip of my tongue with a Southern accent and a tapping foot. The sound of my daddy's voice as he strums the guitar, singing just like Alabama fills my mind with joy and of days gone by. I'm fairly certain, my dad sounds better than Alabama, can play a mean acoustic and electric guitar and knows every lyric to every country song that ever existed. I'm reminded of sitting on the side of the dirty tractor, the radio cranked up, riding the fields next to my dad singing country music. The smell of the freshly shucked corn, the sounds of the corn rustling in the wagon, the powder of it blowing on the wind. Reminded of times, working on on our farm, watching my dad deliver baby pigs and thinking, he can do anything. Always working, always watching, the memories of my dad. Sitting at grandpas pond,under the pine trees, ta...

Growing up I was surrounded by beautiful, kind loving women that most often stayed home with their kids, baked cookies and dressed for church on Sundays. I was the one that read fashion magazines, dreamed of traveling the world and knew that God didn't care if I wore dresses to church, he knew my heart. A small town girl that dreamed of the city. A girl that couldn't wait to escape and see the world. The girl that felt at times like an imposter in someone else's life. I craved to meet people that were different then me, visit places I'd never been and do things I'd never done..In many ways, I dreamed of being exactly where I am now. Blessed to have a strong, powerful group of women to raise me, they lifted me up when I cried, made me strive to accomplish goals and taught me how to love others and spread God's word through actions. Looking back, I remember the first time I knew my mom was a powerful woman. She was going to school full time, working a full tim...

Nightly I pray before I go to bed, sometimes I pray my childhood prayer, others I pray for a list of those that need prayer more than I do, often I pray for peace. I pray for his will and I too have prayed for you. My prayers are for that someone who I can pray with, pray before bed, pray before food, he who holds my hand in church and prays with me. One who loves my loud, silly hymn singing and doesn't care who hears me raise my voice to the heavens. One who loves the tears I shed as I listen to the sermon because I literally feel like the guiltiest person ever, always needing to be better. One who understands my innate need to help others, go feed the homeless, travel to countries to visit with orphans and hold them in my arms and hug those dying of aids. My heart yearns to give others hope, teach them God's love and let them know that I am the image of his love in how I love them. I pray for he who will understand this side of me and share in my love for others. One who...

This... day. Forever carved and etched in my pysche as a remembrance of things lost. My grandma. The smell of lily of the valley wafts through the air like the butterfly floating on its endless breath of air towards the flowers. Endless, beautiful rows of roses, red, pink, orange, yellow... rows and rows of glorious beauties. Beautiful to look at but harsh if you touch them in the wrong way. Perhaps that's like me. Blonde hair, blue eyes but saucy and fierce if you hurt me. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens... the melody lingers in my mind.. if pianos keys touched my her beautiful hands, groomed perfectly with that little white pencil under each tip nightly. A lady must look like a lady you know.. I hear her voice in my mind when I look in the mirror, I see her in my mind. The perfect perfection of a classically beautiful lady.. who endured.. Endured endless years of health issues, pain, frustration. I remember mom telling me once that when getting dialysis( the old way)...

This week has been filled with endless episodes of Netflix and reading, followed by napping and pain, after having outpatient surgery. Luckily, I'm surrounded by talented individuals who love reading as much as I do and are always willing to share their latest read. One of these shared with me the book entitled "The Principle of the Path" by Andy Stanley. There are books that are good for mindless entertainment and then there are books that remind you of who you are and where you belong in life. This book is one of the latter. In Andy Stanley's book on page 169 he describes The Jerusalem Moment. It's explained as being a moment that forces us to turn our backs on something we hoped for, prayed for, dreamed about and planned for. It's the day we are forced to realize it's not going to happen for us. That dream isn't coming true. For those that know me, mine was getting divorced. As most do, I wanted that marriage of 50 years, where we prayed together,...

Introspection is key to growth and finding your way along your path. The other evening I had a conversation with an individual that made me really question my ability to focus on the mission I've always had for my life. My mission has always been to change lives one person at a time. Irony is that its also my current companies mission. The reality of that mission is being a broad focus, lends itself not my inability to say no and focus on one thing. I remember once my mother told me, you can't save them all. You see, when teaching, I wanted to save all those that felt unloved in the juvenile system when I was most certainly in no place to take on the responsibility of being a foster parent to children with significant behavioral issues at that time. The reality of my nature is that I sometimes feel as though I can. I love people. The mean ones, the angry ones, the scary ones.. I love the kind, the religious, the ones that don't believe.. I love the misfits and those that ...

Over the past nearly two years, it has been a struggle to determine where my life is headed. I once was the girl that believed in the traditional fairy tale of boy meets girl, falls in love and lives happily every after. I grew up in a sheltered environment that now looking back was not anywhere near what the real world is like. Entirely grateful for living in such an environment but I do not feel like my depiction of what the real world is like was anywhere close to what is actually has become. Often we see ourselves in one place and God has in mind, a completely different place for us. I struggle with that, on a daily basis. I struggle with the fact, that I want to control the things around me because in that control I find sanity, peace and safety. I don't like to feel like I don't have a plan, don't have a sense of direction and am lost. I think that the last two years has been a lesson that the sense of control I thought I had over my life and the pretty picture I ...

Decided to check out my old blogs and was amazed to see how long it had been since I posted and how different my life is from that last post. A few updates.... Since my last post, these are the things I have learned. Sometimes you try to pretend like life is perfect as a coping mechanism. Those that love you see the reality even when you do not. You can give everything you have and are, and sometimes it's not enough. When it's not in God's plan, it will never happen. Even if you love someone unconditionally, they don't always return it. Sometimes the person you marry, isn't who you thought they are. Doesn't mean it was a mistake, just a learning opportunity. When you lose the entire direction of your life and feel like you'll never make it, you will. When you're lost, count on God. That's the only person that can make you feel complete. My friends and family are so supportive, so loving and so caring. I am so blessed. There's ...

Looking back on the past year, it has been one of my most eye opening years yet. I've learned that even if you believe that someone is perfect, they are not. I've learned that I am much stronger than I ever thought I was emotionally and that sometimes I discount my ability to withstand or let fear suffice. I've learned to fight for the things I believe in and that all relationships require hard work. I've learned to give up on things I love when there is no hope and that to grow we must try new things. I've learned who my true friends are and what an amazing family I have. I've looked at my mother differently in the fact that I never realized how much she has let me grow as an individual by not forcing her opinions on me. I've watched my sister grow before my eyes into an amazing mother... I still can't believe that she is a mom sometimes. I still see her as my cute little sister. I've become an aunt to a beautiful little girl who terrifies me but ye...

Imagine hearing someone say the words, " I believe that euthanasia should not be illegal. For example, what about people that have special needs and can't be productive members of society. If they can't talk to can't provide some sort of benefit to society then why should they be here. Horrifed would be one word to describe how I felt upon hearing those words. I'm all for free speech but sometimes when you speak, it makes you sound more ignorant than you already do. Imagine saying that to a mother whom has been taking care of her daughter for the past 32 years. The daughter whom is severely impaired, bedridden in fact and can only communicate with a smile or a moan. Do you think that for a moment, that mother would be able to put her child to sleep? I once knew a lady named Florence whom was in her 90's and had taken care of her child Katherine since birth. Katherine spoke nothing at all and could only communicate with moans an smiles of which behind there was ...

Last time I blogged I was contemplating a big change in my life of leaving a job I had loved forever for a job that was entirely new and challenging but with more long term security. I chose the road less traveled. The new job/career and a challenge. Looking back over the past 3 months, I can say that it was entirely the correct decision. In the last three months I've nearly had a heart attack when I realized how much work was in it for me, been excited to meet a strong female role model in our Vice President, remembered that I can learn anything if I put my mind in to it, meet some amazing customers and helped to grow one of the nicest people I've ever meet so someday he gets a leadership role of his own. Best of all are the customers, I love most of the personalities that come into my lcoation, from the Wealthy Millionare with the diamond ring bigger than my eye, with a new name brand bag everyday who insists that we gather her supplies while she stands and watches.... She...

This week I ran into a brick wall, or so it felt. I foresaw the inevitable demise of something I loved dearly drawing to a close and have been in mourning for quite some time but I don't think I ever really accepted the true effect of what that loss might be like. Two days ago, it started to sink in. Sometimes when you least expect it, life throws you a curveball. Sometimes it happens to be the day where you never miss, other times you throw the bat. Which is this pivotal point remains to be seen? Currently I feel as though the world is spinning around me and I can't grasp on... things seem to be moving much faster than I anticipated. I know change it good and helps you to grow but in me it always presents these overwhelming thoughts of insecurity, anxiety and nervousness. Perhaps that derives from my need to be in control of everything in my life, although maybe instead it is the predecessor to hope, joy and fulfillment. Sometimes the two go hand in hand. With any loss, we gro...

Around nine years ago, right after September the 11th, I incurred a massive directional change in my life. For most of my childhood, except for the brief ballerina and Broadway stint, my aspiration had always been to change lives through teaching. Some of this was driven by some amazing teachers that I was blessed with in school. Some of which included Ms. Ernst, Ms. Huffine, Mr. McLane, Ms. Lamb and Ms. Froman. Mostly the desire to teach special education came from the relationships that I had formed with some friends with special needs; Tara my cousin, Jenny my neighbor and the little boy that lived next to my dad's business whom was always asking for quarters and was deeply in love with Jenny. Going to Ball State, I fervently studied and worked putting everything into growing myself as an educator. I lived and breathed teaching and when I wasn't working I was browsing online or the aisles in the teacher supply stores for tools to help me be a better teacher. Realitively spe...

Continuously turning in circles, my head is spinning, losing focus on everything that matters and just thinking of one thing. Stress is seeping into every bone and pore of my body, overwhelming the senses. Causing my heart to ache in pain, yearn for peace and wonder what and where my future will be. Through it all, I pray, I plead, I beg and I bargain but in the end all of the pleading, begging and bargaining will not help, the only place I can find my peace is through prayer and even that struggles to tame my senses. Thoughts fly through my mind so quickly that they appear unreal and just a figmit of my imagination. If I could go back in time? Would I do things differently? I made those choices, I own those choices and I am those choices. Why look back? The begging, pleading crazy woman becomes the angry, frustrated and strong woman that I hide within. Desperation turns to hope, nightmares turn to dreams and I know within my heart that God always provides. Whether it be for my emotion...

The older you get the more you tend to contemplate the meaning and direction that your life has taken. Some of us tend to be content with the knowledge that we are loved; others tend to shrivel up in an endless struggle of wondering who they are and what purpose exists in their lives. I've been there. Towards the end of my college career, my entire identity was wrapped up in being a teacher and working with kids;all at once my life took an abrupt shift in direction. One day I had the ephipany that pride and arrogance allowed for lack of growth and if you weren't happy with who you were in life, then all of the titles and allocades bestowed on you meant nothing. Some of that was due to September 11th, some of it due to student teaching and some due to finding a career that I fit into like a glove. I think I also finally began to accept who I was as a person. Do you accept who you are? We are all flawed; no one is perfect. How many times have you been told that? Do you really he...

Babies, babies, babies......that's all I seem to be listening about or seeing lately. My sister, my best friend, a work friend, my cousin, my husband's friends wife, my other cousin; everyone it seems wants to have babies right now. Don't get be wrong, I LOVE KIDS.......I adore sitting down to read a book to a child and having them fall asleep in my arms. I love dressing them up. I love feeding a bottle to a baby. I love their homemade pictures, grubby little fingers and youthful innocence. Kids gravitate to me or so it seems and truthfully I feel most comfortable with kids. They accept you for who you are, all the flaws, all the idosycracies that exist in you, they could care less as long as you read to them, color with them or if you give them life experiences. I've pretty much raised or had a part in raising the following: My sister-I gave her baths at night, tucked her into her bed, helped her with her homework, cooked her dinner, disciplined her, coached her, hugge...

Looking back over my life, I think back to that innocent childhood youthfulness where trust is a given and love is absolute. As you experience life ,you tend to lose that innocence and trust in others and their innate goodness. Some of us lose it much later than others. What causes us to lose that trust typically stems from a betrayal of some type. Obviously the betrayal is determined by the paradigm that you view life and the values that you have for your relationships in life. Whether it is a friend who steals your toy or pushes you down, a spouse who neglects your needs or a parent who doesn't support you; all of these things can cause your reality in life to become slightly altered. You might feel hurt, abused, neglected, unloved, crazy, fearful, shocked and angry. The multitude of emotions running through your heart and mind might drive you to cry in agony or to scream in anger. Those tend to be the typical reactions to the specific situation that stimulated the current situa...