Finding my place

Over the past nearly two years, it has been a struggle to determine where my life is headed. I once was the girl that believed in the traditional fairy tale of boy meets girl, falls in love and lives happily every after. I grew up in a sheltered environment that now looking back was not anywhere near what the real world is like. Entirely grateful for living in such an environment but I do not feel like my depiction of what the real world is like was anywhere close to what is actually has become. Often we see ourselves in one place and God has in mind, a completely different place for us. I struggle with that, on a daily basis. I struggle with the fact, that I want to control the things around me because in that control I find sanity, peace and safety. I don't like to feel like I don't have a plan, don't have a sense of direction and am lost. I think that the last two years has been a lesson that the sense of control I thought I had over my life and the pretty picture I painted to cope was indeed an illusion of something I thought my life should be, not in fact what it was. In the end, I learned that I've never been in control, in fact it was always God driving my life. That lack of control I now feel is teaching me things about myself, about my life and about the people I choose to have in it. I have also never been more confident in who I am as an individual and what value I can add if I choose to. These are the things that I know.... I am opinionated and the people that love me value that honesty I am loving and will protect anyone I love like they are my children I have a huge capacity to love unconditionally and to time and time again give chances... this can be good and sometimes bad. I have the best group of friends that anyone could ask for. I have a man who listened to me cry for hours when I was going through a horrible time in my life, bought me flowers, helped me move and helped me be strong enough to rebuild my life; I have a friend that makes me life, shows me what loving people is about, takes time to listen when I'm upset and shares her love for God with me and so many others; I have another who I enjoy talking to more than most people because he is genuine, makes me laugh, makes me look at life differently and doesn't see how wonderful he is sometimes so I get to remind him and cheer him on; I have another who introduced me to my bf now and if it weren't for him I would have never known that beautiful men still exist out there; yet another shows me that faith in God can change a person if you let it and everyone,even those we see as having ideal lives can be living a life they weren't intended for, then there is my best friend who in all the years we've known each other has laughed with me, cried with me and lived through some really tough stuff in both our lives but continues to be one of the strongest and most loving people I know. These people bless me on a daily basis along with the love of my family. I know that life isn't fairy tales and rainbows anymore, I have no clue where I want to be in 5 years in some ways but I do know this, in this moment, with these people in my life and God in my heart, anything is possible and I should continue to pray for that direction and it will come... The answers are always there.... in God's time.

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