My friend.. gone too soon

There are those in life, with every breath of their being, add value and joy to the world and make us all aspire to love better, give more and strive to have a bigger impact. My friend Chris, did just that. His impact will continue to impact lives for decades to come. A week ago, I learned via a phone call that he had died during a hunting accident and I remember crying, that's not true, that didn't happen. I repeated myself multiple times until it sunk in where then I said it is true because you wouldn't joke about it, as I cried out in anguish, pain and despair. You see, he was only 36 years old. 36, unmarried, no kids... his entire life before him. I'm saddened by the loss of him and the loss of dreams that are left unfinished for him. Ironically the night before he died, I sent him a long text thanking him for all he had done in my life. He inspired me, he reminded me of my purpose and why all these years my mission has been to impact lives. It's always been about making others feel loved, hopeful and cared for and until now, I didn't realize it ties directly into my deep and abiding faith that this is what God does for us and how Jesus lived. So in essence my mission is to impact each person's life by being a vessel that shows what God's love feels like. Some say I am too kind, too forgiving and too open to others that have different views, belief or values than I do.. but in the end isn't that what Jesus did. This past year I've felt as though my soul has been torn, searching and trying to find direction in some ways. Chris helped to point me in the right direction. Living my mission more intentionally, with clarity and specific actions that lead to the bigger picture of not just influencing those in my circle but those beyond as well. The night before he died, I committed to doing just that by paying my deposit down for a trip to Africa to work with those with Aids. I was proud, scared and confident that this was the right choice and another part for living my mission with intention and that's when I sent that text because without him connecting me to the group and the trust that I had in him not guiding me astray, I wouldn't have made that commitment. Next year, I'm fairly certain, I will think of him often as I give my heart to those outside of my circle and I'm certain that this will continue the rest of my life. After over 30 years on my bucket list, that dream will come true and his friendship made it possible. He taught me to live a little more, I get so wrapped up in working, serving and doing for others that I forget to do for me at times. The last time I spent with him and his team, he talked of the magic of NYC in a way that it was magical and inspired me to say, I deserve to take time to experience something magical, walk in the museums, see the twinkle of the lights and have a few days where noone knows me and I can be alone in the world just expressing gratitude. Tomorrow, after his funeral, I will fly to NYC until Christmas Eve to do just that. I booked it before his sudden death but am certain he will be in my thoughts and there may be some tears shed as I walk, pondering life, this past year and next year's journey and all that might be. My friend said, Do less, better and my motto has always been do more, the best.. so this is an enormous switch that has been gradually occurring on my belief system to slow down, not do it all and live a bit more. So many things I will miss about his friendship. I will miss watching him interact with his team and members and standing in awe at his ability to make those around him feel loved, hopeful and valued. He could do it within moments. I admire that he always seemed to see the best in people, even when they weren't living their best life and I didn't realize until know how incredible it was that he actually cared to listen to my advice. I will miss texting about Wicked(he was the only one that had been more than I have), travel adventures, listening to stories about his family and watching the incredible love on his face as he talked about his dad's paintings, visiting his grandfather's grave at Arlington and dressing up in a bunny costume for Christmas. I will miss that while he was this incredible, beautiful soul filled with depth, he also was a person that could joke, be sarcastic, make you laugh and acted as though he still had a bit of a child in him at times with his playful side. Even when he expressed frustration, it was done with grace, kindness and concern for others. The day I found out we had lost him, I cried the entire day, during conf calls, between conf calls and alone at night as I prayed and wrote about him. I know that someday we will meet again as I cross God's gates and so many others I have lost will be there too. No question of that occurring but the grief, the anger, the hurt of losing my friend much too soon.. wracked my soul with the pain of loss. I've come to realize that living in his light while blinding at times as it made me question my own light was neverending, calming, created strength and a sense of hope that without it feels dull in comparison. Today we go to lay him to rest, I'm certain the ice queen will melt today (i'm generally not a crier) but I know that forever, in my heart, he will remain as a voice in my mind encouraging me to love more, live intentionally, do less better and have hope that all the dreams and hopes I have for my life and purpose will be manifested if I put the intent where it belongs.