Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Finding my place

Over the past nearly two years, it has been a struggle to determine where my life is headed. I once was the girl that believed in the traditional fairy tale of boy meets girl, falls in love and lives happily every after. I grew up in a sheltered environment that now looking back was not anywhere near what the real world is like. Entirely grateful for living in such an environment but I do not feel like my depiction of what the real world is like was anywhere close to what is actually has become. Often we see ourselves in one place and God has in mind, a completely different place for us. I struggle with that, on a daily basis. I struggle with the fact, that I want to control the things around me because in that control I find sanity, peace and safety. I don't like to feel like I don't have a plan, don't have a sense of direction and am lost. I think that the last two years has been a lesson that the sense of control I thought I had over my life and the pretty picture I painted to cope was indeed an illusion of something I thought my life should be, not in fact what it was. In the end, I learned that I've never been in control, in fact it was always God driving my life. That lack of control I now feel is teaching me things about myself, about my life and about the people I choose to have in it. I have also never been more confident in who I am as an individual and what value I can add if I choose to. These are the things that I know.... I am opinionated and the people that love me value that honesty I am loving and will protect anyone I love like they are my children I have a huge capacity to love unconditionally and to time and time again give chances... this can be good and sometimes bad. I have the best group of friends that anyone could ask for. I have a man who listened to me cry for hours when I was going through a horrible time in my life, bought me flowers, helped me move and helped me be strong enough to rebuild my life; I have a friend that makes me life, shows me what loving people is about, takes time to listen when I'm upset and shares her love for God with me and so many others; I have another who I enjoy talking to more than most people because he is genuine, makes me laugh, makes me look at life differently and doesn't see how wonderful he is sometimes so I get to remind him and cheer him on; I have another who introduced me to my bf now and if it weren't for him I would have never known that beautiful men still exist out there; yet another shows me that faith in God can change a person if you let it and everyone,even those we see as having ideal lives can be living a life they weren't intended for, then there is my best friend who in all the years we've known each other has laughed with me, cried with me and lived through some really tough stuff in both our lives but continues to be one of the strongest and most loving people I know. These people bless me on a daily basis along with the love of my family. I know that life isn't fairy tales and rainbows anymore, I have no clue where I want to be in 5 years in some ways but I do know this, in this moment, with these people in my life and God in my heart, anything is possible and I should continue to pray for that direction and it will come... The answers are always there.... in God's time.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Wow. Life has Changed since my last blog.

Decided to check out my old blogs and was amazed to see how long it had been since I posted and how different my life is from that last post.

A few updates....

Since my last post, these are the things I have learned.

Sometimes you try to pretend like life is perfect as a coping mechanism. Those that love you see the reality even when you do not.

You can give everything you have and are, and sometimes it's not enough. When it's not in God's plan, it will never happen.

Even if you love someone unconditionally, they don't always return it.

Sometimes the person you marry, isn't who you thought they are. Doesn't mean it was a mistake, just a learning opportunity.

When you lose the entire direction of your life and feel like you'll never make it, you will.

When you're lost, count on God. That's the only person that can make you feel complete.

My friends and family are so supportive, so loving and so caring. I am so blessed.

There's nothing wrong with admitting that your husband was right when he told you, marriage shouldn't be this hard. Even if you did argue with him that all relationships require hard work. Marriage SHOULDN't be that hard.

Forgiveness is cathartic and allows you to move on.

God talks to us when we listen and honestly carries us when we can't walk.

116 lbs of mostly muscle is not a good look for me.

God puts people in your life to help you when you need them, don't push them away.

Sometimes the things you want most in life are sitting on a bar stool right next to you and you overlook them because you put age limits on life.

There really are men that exist that like classical music, sports, racing, learning and travel just like me.

I am valuable and deserve to be treated as though I am.

I am stronger than I could ever imagine and fearless, just sometimes I let life overwhelm me.

There's nothing wrong with curling up in the fetal position crying, just don't do it often or you'll look like your crazy.

I love taking an empty shell and work and turning it into a fully functional store.... It's like giving birth to me. No joke.

I don't need a man to take care of me, totally capable of it all on my own.

I love to have a man hold doors for me, pour my mustard, brush my hair out of my face and tell me I'm beautiful. Especially one that's okay with my independence, workaholic self.

Being an aunt is the most amazing thing and you can love a child that's not yours like they belong to you. Love that little girl so much.

Meeting new people in places you've never been is a blast and you can make great friends out of it.

Jumping out of a plan is the most amazing thing ever.

Most importantly, I learned that with faith and belief, God can change your life. At the time it might be painful but in the end every tear and painful moment is worth it. Believer.

Sunday, January 10, 2010


Married? Have you had the opportunity to watch "Fireproof"? If not, now is the time. In terms of acting skills, its a bit lacking but the message is clear and communicated in a way that is easy to understand.

The concept is simple, a married couple whom let's the daily routines and lack of communication pull them apart learns what real love is.

It's interesting in marriage, at the onset you think that it's a Disney fairytale. All rainbows, blue skies and lots of love. Once you've been married a while, it turns into the monotony of a relationship you might have with a job you don't care for. How often have you wondered if it was right to get married in the first place?

In the end, through hard work and determination you may figure out that all the things you loved at the onset are still there, you just chose to view them differently. Two people, no matter the love that bounds them often take each other for granted. There is no courting behavior or unselfish acts of kindness but rather a clash of individuality and selfishness.

In your vows, what were the words that you used, better or worse, sickness and in health....did you mean them? Imagine one of the lowest points in yor relationship, the point where you are wondering why your in it and then think about those vows. Is it easier to give up or harder to make it work? Which makes a stronger person? Which helps you grow as an individual or as a couple?

Marriage requires work, a commitment to honesty, trust and forgiveness and maybe even lots of counseling but in the end what you might get, is really what you wanted in the beginning.

Don't give up, watch this movie and gain a dose of perspective on what your life is and where it's potential lies.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Closure on 2009

Looking back on the past year, it has been one of my most eye opening years yet. I've learned that even if you believe that someone is perfect, they are not. I've learned that I am much stronger than I ever thought I was emotionally and that sometimes I discount my ability to withstand or let fear suffice. I've learned to fight for the things I believe in and that all relationships require hard work. I've learned to give up on things I love when there is no hope and that to grow we must try new things. I've learned who my true friends are and what an amazing family I have. I've looked at my mother differently in the fact that I never realized how much she has let me grow as an individual by not forcing her opinions on me. I've watched my sister grow before my eyes into an amazing mother... I still can't believe that she is a mom sometimes. I still see her as my cute little sister. I've become an aunt to a beautiful little girl who terrifies me but yet teaches me to love kids again. I've been blessed to take control over my health and wellness and now understand the importance of taking care of yourself before anyone else. It's not selfish, it's a much. I've also learned how lucky I am to be married to an intelligent, giving, driven man who can both love me and not put up with my drama all in one.

Overall I love my life and it just keeps getting better the older and wiser I get.... what will happen this year?????

Monday, December 7, 2009

Interpretation of Need

Imagine hearing someone say the words, " I believe that euthanasia should not be illegal. For example, what about people that have special needs and can't be productive members of society. If they can't talk to can't provide some sort of benefit to society then why should they be here.

Horrifed would be one word to describe how I felt upon hearing those words. I'm all for free speech but sometimes when you speak, it makes you sound more ignorant than you already do.

Imagine saying that to a mother whom has been taking care of her daughter for the past 32 years. The daughter whom is severely impaired, bedridden in fact and can only communicate with a smile or a moan. Do you think that for a moment, that mother would be able to put her child to sleep?

I once knew a lady named Florence whom was in her 90's and had taken care of her child Katherine since birth. Katherine spoke nothing at all and could only communicate with moans an smiles of which behind there was no intent. Florence lived alone with Kathernine, she fed her, diapered her, bathed her, moved her with a lift and not for a moment would she have been able to have her put to death. It nearly killed Florence when she hurt herself to have to move herself and Katherine into a nursing home. Katherine wasn't a dog to her but a little girl that she loved and whom she had promised to take care of when she chose to have her.

Do I believe that some time in her life, Florence was resentful that she had to work so hard to provide for Katherine? Naive I am not and I'm certain that at some point she probably felt this way but nonetheless carried on. That's what being a strong and decent person is, you don't give up when it's tough. You take accountability for your choices and make the best of things that could be taken differently.

Having a child is a lifelong commitment and whether or not that child is born handicapped, you still have that obligation to provide a safe and nurturing environment for that precious bundle of joy. Joy can be found in a smile, the touch of a communication board,a simple sign from a hand,the grasp of a spoon, joy can be found in anything.

For children with special needs, their goals aren't to be rich, famous, have a profound impact on society by inventing a cure for something but rather they are the simple things. Brushing ones teeth, washing the dishes, wiping off a table, holding a brush, giving a hug....You never realize the value of a smile until you see a child master something so simple that has taken so long and so much struggle for them to do.

In that instant you know that life isn't to be taken for granted, we are not here to play God and that special needs children are given to us to show us that the simple things in life are the most important.....

Thank you to Tara, Katherine, Florence and so many others for showing us that love and giving is why the world exists...

Sunday, November 29, 2009


Last time I blogged I was contemplating a big change in my life of leaving a job I had loved forever for a job that was entirely new and challenging but with more long term security.

I chose the road less traveled. The new job/career and a challenge.

Looking back over the past 3 months, I can say that it was entirely the correct decision. In the last three months I've nearly had a heart attack when I realized how much work was in it for me, been excited to meet a strong female role model in our Vice President, remembered that I can learn anything if I put my mind in to it, meet some amazing customers and helped to grow one of the nicest people I've ever meet so someday he gets a leadership role of his own.

Best of all are the customers, I love most of the personalities that come into my lcoation, from the Wealthy Millionare with the diamond ring bigger than my eye, with a new name brand bag everyday who insists that we gather her supplies while she stands and watches.... She's my idol, a diva in every sense. That's going to be me in 30 years, I just know it.

We also have the unassuming quiet gentleman that gives off the illusion of being a bum but in truth is an amazing individual if you truley dig in to his lifestyle. Lots of volunteer work, moved from LA to be at one with nature and believes in a clean natural way of living at one with the environment. Good people.

So many wonderful customers that bring joy to my life on a daily basis. There is nothing quite like being trusted to help individuals with their goals, rebuild their lives, turn their lives around, live longer or inspire hope. Ties nicely into FranklinCovey and all of the things that I learned there.

Is it FC, absolutely not but it's the next best thing and someday I might love it as much.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Fork in the Road

This week I ran into a brick wall, or so it felt. I foresaw the inevitable demise of something I loved dearly drawing to a close and have been in mourning for quite some time but I don't think I ever really accepted the true effect of what that loss might be like.

Two days ago, it started to sink in. Sometimes when you least expect it, life throws you a curveball. Sometimes it happens to be the day where you never miss, other times you throw the bat. Which is this pivotal point remains to be seen?

Currently I feel as though the world is spinning around me and I can't grasp on... things seem to be moving much faster than I anticipated. I know change it good and helps you to grow but in me it always presents these overwhelming thoughts of insecurity, anxiety and nervousness. Perhaps that derives from my need to be in control of everything in my life, although maybe instead it is the predecessor to hope, joy and fulfillment. Sometimes the two go hand in hand.

With any loss, we grow... and love helps us to learn....In your life, wherever you may be don't be scared, don't hesitate, just love and in the end that's all that matters.