Dark and light

Slowly, silently, you creep to the existence of my soul with subtle clues of direction, pointing the way. A word, a phrase, a comment.. all have meaning. Were the clues already present in my existence or suddenly did they appear as though a mist floating on the sea. You see, I like to ignore things. I like to paint pretty pictures of reality that assure me that life is safe, I am safe and all in my world is good, pure and right. The illusion of perfection is a fast running banshee that hides for awhile only to present herself with a fury of reality. There is light and there is dark. I prefer to live in the light but sometimes in doing so, ignore the darkness of her incessant influence on my life. There can be no light without dark. Dark sheds her skin like overwhelming sorrow, the loss of a loved one, the pain of a failed marriage, the sadness of watching someone you love in pain or a story of dire and strife in another's life. That darkness is taken within like the food that nourishes our body but this time it blackens our souls with decay and the dank, dark smell of a dark place you choose not to go. It's there, in the recesses of your psyche but stays there hidden until something triggers the rampant flood of emotion that comes with too much grief, sadness or sorrow. Its there, in all of us. We just chose the light. The light appears as a ray of sunshine, beating its beautiful golden tendrils across the sky. Spreading its light into the dark, hollows of our souls. It shares its light in a song, a dance, a child's laughter. The light is what holds the darkness at bay and makes us feel as though we are an airy cloud, floating on the waves of the wind with not a care in our hearts. Light is kindness, love, caring for others and truly listening when others need you. It is a kind word, a good deed, a donation for no reason. It is picking up something that someone has dropped to help, opening the door for someone that is carrying something or maybe a lending arm to a senior that needs your help. It is loving that that some deem unlovable because we all need to be loved and are deserving of love. It is a cookie for no reason, a handwritten letter, a quick email to say thank you. The light is a smile, a nod or a hug when you know it is needed. It is is the whisper of the wind in the trees, the chirping of the birds and the beautiful painting of God's canvas in the sky. There can be no light without dark, nor dark without light. I have both. I hide the dark and often let others only see the light because I so want to be the light for others and sometimes I let the crack shine through and there are a few that see the dark within my light. You know at that moment that I feel safe with you. Recently i attended a workshop and while working with a partner, something they said struck me. She said to me, you seem to care for others, worrying about them, taking care of them and making sure they feel safe. What I haven't heard, is you once say what your needs or how you ask for them. The words struck a chord with me. I teach others to advocate for themselves, not be a victim, fight for their needs and believe that they are capable of all they deserve. I empower them, uplift them and help them to see the light in their darkness. In regards to myself, I forget to do this because I'm always caring for others, yearning not to be a burden, not to share my sorrow, to be the strong one that can take on the world, manage it all and do it alone. The reality is, we all need someone. We all want someone to listen as we cry, laugh with, give perspective, learn from and love. We all need someone to let down our walls, be our true, transparent ,authentic self and feel safe as though we can be free to be who we are, with no judgement, no criticism, no direction. Just a listening kind ear to lean on when we are in need. There is no shame in advocating for self. I tell others that but I forget. There is no shame in striving for dreams whether that be climbing a mountain, taking a mission trip, having a family or going back to school to get another degree. There is no shame in taking time to care for others, time to reflect or write goals and aspirations. There is no shame in silent trips to NYC, alone reflecting on the year and what life will bring in the next. I'm learning to refuse to feel shameful about the choices I make or living a dream I've had for my life that I know can be reality. I'm okay with hoping on planes to meet new people and see the world, I'm okay with saying no, doing less and taking care of me. I'm okay with going home to listen to my parents talk for hours about nothing just to be in their presence. I'm okay with buying my niece 10 birthday gifts because it makes me happy and I love being able to give her beautiful things. I'm okay with saying, I deserve it. I do. I work hard, I love hard and I have earned in the darkness to live in the light.