The Loss of a Dream but love always remains.

Recently a friend posted that losing a marriage is as though you lost a family member. It truly feels that way... its as though a limb or part of your being has been cut off. Something that you yearned for your entire life, to be a wife, to love someone unconditionally and be forever there for them is no longer a dream but rather a distant memory. It feels as though your soul is dying, the very part of you that was filled with joy and love for this person hurts as though it will never cease. It's like a bleeding wound that will never heal, a feeling so strong that you are certain it will swallow you whole. That was me. That is me. That will always be me. The friend said grieving is a process where we go through the loss of not only our spouse but the loss of our dreams and what we envisioned our life would be. I've been there. For the past nearly 9 years, I have hurt, cried inside and out, felt like I let down my faith, my family and all that I value. I've felt lost at times, alone and terrified of failing again. I have built this wall around my heart that is rock solid with just a few cracks. I'm that girl. I've also learned that in relationships, you can also be safe and someone can love you with all the faults you possess as my current relationship as well as one many years ago with someone who I didn't love the same, has taught me that I can be strong and build a wall but if I crack a little, there are those that will carry me. My current relationship is that kind of person.He is kind to me, cherishes me and I know that if I was dying, he would hold me until my last breath. Of this I am sure. He also has walls around his heart. Hurting from the past isn't exclusive to being a man or a women. The feeling of failure isn't felt by all but felt by many. Not all mourn the loss of a marriage the same way. Some become angry and bitter rather than hurt and afraid. My resilience has always been one of my curses but also my gifts, its learned from trauma that happened many many years ago but it has allowed me to hurt but still continue with a fervor, when I'm scared and don't want to try. Its that survivor instinct that says, don't give up. Its the piece that allows me to hurt but still love. You see, I still love the one that broke my heart, but it's a different kind of love, the kind that says I pray that you are happy, I pray that your dreams come true but I remember the love that I had and will forever cherish it, I also remember the pain. That's me. I'm the one that loves so deeply, always that you can break me, or you can nearly destroy me and I will still respond with love vs hate. Perhaps that means I struggle with being kind to myself, sometimes that is also me. Self compassion is certainly a skill that I don't always possess. Yet here I sit, a loving, strong walled heart with cracks that has such a desire to help others, love others, give others all that I can but will only give so much of me.. out of fear that I might break. Deep inside, the truth is at some point my heart has changed slightly, the things I thought once impossible and that I would never dream, I sometimes do. I wonder where life is taking me and I hope that maybe, just maybe some of my broken dreams come true. I dream of traveling to help others in foreign worlds, advocating for those less fortunate and traveling to places to see, experience and revel in God's creations. I have a wanderers spirit and a soul that craves to have meaning, purpose and spread joy. Its a way perhaps to feel the emptiness that sometimes I feel from the pain I have experienced. I've often felt over the past 6 months an awakening of sorts happening in my world. Maybe this is what they call a midlife crisis, feeling an even deeper drive for meaning and purpose, a quest to have impactful conversations and share my faith with others, a need to express love, kindness and hope and to maybe just a little dream..of lost dreams. Maybe I'm healing, after nearly nine years, my walls cracks are starting to lose the mortar of pain keeping them the wall strong, breaking, cracking, chunks falling out, wondering if perhaps, just maybe behind that wall, I still have the propensity to dream. Yet doubt remains.. so while the dreams aren't quite there, I pray that God makes me an instrument of what he wants me to be, I pray for strength, for courage, for peace and always I pray to be directed where he wants me to go. You see, when I feel a little lost, that's the one thing I always seek. I don't seek external things, I seek prayer and his word.