Undoubtedly Debra

This week I ran into a brick wall, or so it felt. I foresaw the inevitable demise of something I loved dearly drawing to a close and have been in mourning for quite some time but I don't think I ever really accepted the true effect of what that loss might be like. Two days ago, it started to sink in. Sometimes when you least expect it, life throws you a curveball. Sometimes it happens to be the day where you never miss, other times you throw the bat. Which is this pivotal point remains to be seen? Currently I feel as though the world is spinning around me and I can't grasp on... things seem to be moving much faster than I anticipated. I know change it good and helps you to grow but in me it always presents these overwhelming thoughts of insecurity, anxiety and nervousness. Perhaps that derives from my need to be in control of everything in my life, although maybe instead it is the predecessor to hope, joy and fulfillment. Sometimes the two go hand in hand. With any loss, we gro...

Around nine years ago, right after September the 11th, I incurred a massive directional change in my life. For most of my childhood, except for the brief ballerina and Broadway stint, my aspiration had always been to change lives through teaching. Some of this was driven by some amazing teachers that I was blessed with in school. Some of which included Ms. Ernst, Ms. Huffine, Mr. McLane, Ms. Lamb and Ms. Froman. Mostly the desire to teach special education came from the relationships that I had formed with some friends with special needs; Tara my cousin, Jenny my neighbor and the little boy that lived next to my dad's business whom was always asking for quarters and was deeply in love with Jenny. Going to Ball State, I fervently studied and worked putting everything into growing myself as an educator. I lived and breathed teaching and when I wasn't working I was browsing online or the aisles in the teacher supply stores for tools to help me be a better teacher. Realitively spe...

Continuously turning in circles, my head is spinning, losing focus on everything that matters and just thinking of one thing. Stress is seeping into every bone and pore of my body, overwhelming the senses. Causing my heart to ache in pain, yearn for peace and wonder what and where my future will be. Through it all, I pray, I plead, I beg and I bargain but in the end all of the pleading, begging and bargaining will not help, the only place I can find my peace is through prayer and even that struggles to tame my senses. Thoughts fly through my mind so quickly that they appear unreal and just a figmit of my imagination. If I could go back in time? Would I do things differently? I made those choices, I own those choices and I am those choices. Why look back? The begging, pleading crazy woman becomes the angry, frustrated and strong woman that I hide within. Desperation turns to hope, nightmares turn to dreams and I know within my heart that God always provides. Whether it be for my emotion...

The older you get the more you tend to contemplate the meaning and direction that your life has taken. Some of us tend to be content with the knowledge that we are loved; others tend to shrivel up in an endless struggle of wondering who they are and what purpose exists in their lives. I've been there. Towards the end of my college career, my entire identity was wrapped up in being a teacher and working with kids;all at once my life took an abrupt shift in direction. One day I had the ephipany that pride and arrogance allowed for lack of growth and if you weren't happy with who you were in life, then all of the titles and allocades bestowed on you meant nothing. Some of that was due to September 11th, some of it due to student teaching and some due to finding a career that I fit into like a glove. I think I also finally began to accept who I was as a person. Do you accept who you are? We are all flawed; no one is perfect. How many times have you been told that? Do you really he...

Babies, babies, babies......that's all I seem to be listening about or seeing lately. My sister, my best friend, a work friend, my cousin, my husband's friends wife, my other cousin; everyone it seems wants to have babies right now. Don't get be wrong, I LOVE KIDS.......I adore sitting down to read a book to a child and having them fall asleep in my arms. I love dressing them up. I love feeding a bottle to a baby. I love their homemade pictures, grubby little fingers and youthful innocence. Kids gravitate to me or so it seems and truthfully I feel most comfortable with kids. They accept you for who you are, all the flaws, all the idosycracies that exist in you, they could care less as long as you read to them, color with them or if you give them life experiences. I've pretty much raised or had a part in raising the following: My sister-I gave her baths at night, tucked her into her bed, helped her with her homework, cooked her dinner, disciplined her, coached her, hugge...

Looking back over my life, I think back to that innocent childhood youthfulness where trust is a given and love is absolute. As you experience life ,you tend to lose that innocence and trust in others and their innate goodness. Some of us lose it much later than others. What causes us to lose that trust typically stems from a betrayal of some type. Obviously the betrayal is determined by the paradigm that you view life and the values that you have for your relationships in life. Whether it is a friend who steals your toy or pushes you down, a spouse who neglects your needs or a parent who doesn't support you; all of these things can cause your reality in life to become slightly altered. You might feel hurt, abused, neglected, unloved, crazy, fearful, shocked and angry. The multitude of emotions running through your heart and mind might drive you to cry in agony or to scream in anger. Those tend to be the typical reactions to the specific situation that stimulated the current situa...